This may seem a silly thing to talk about....but I miss facebook. The connection with people I love and like and want to stay in touch with. I plan to join again in the summer and I will be more selective, It never occurred to me that when I posted things that there were those who patrolled and judged. So, about that photo at Emerald Downs last May? Not that I need to do any explaining. I was there for a 25th birthday party one of my daughter's friends hosted - "The Jentucky Derby." It's kind of weird how I have avoided certain places and activities for over 20 years, and now if I want to, I could go to a buffet at a casino (I have never been and heard some have really good ones). I could go to a nightclub for a drink and to dance with my hubby if I wanted to. There have always been certain things that I just didn't do, although it didn't bother me at all if and when others did. I realize in retrospect that I was placed on a pedestal (by certain people) that I didn't ask to be put on and never wanted to be on. I thought that I was accepted just for being me. Being honest, upon self-evaluation, I have to ask did I perpetuate the dread pedestal perception by the constraints in my own mind on whether certain things were "proper" or not for me to do? Did I really think that wearing pants or jeans on Sundays because I worked with the kids was setting me apart as someone who is not ruled by a bunch of "oughts," "musts" and "shoulds?" One good, kind person who happens to be a pastor's wife can be "taken out" by one person who began gossiping and slandering to others because she didn't like finding out that the "pastor's wife" supports marriage equality. Terrible accusations have been made about me, and worst of all, of my husband, who didn't even know about this woman's e-mails and comments to me until a month after it happened. I love to visit and talk, but I don't go running to the nearest person to fill up their ear with some juicy tidbit that gets juicier with every retelling. And just to illustrate - this same person always wanted to tell me in any conversation I had with her about how the people who call her at work to schedule self-improvement and reconstructive procedures are so sad and pathetic (she's a scheduler at a plastic surgeon's office). I would change the subject. There's nothing wrong with wanting to feel good about yourself and if a little (or a lot) of aesthetic assistance increases your confidence (and you can afford it), it is no one else's business, certainly not the schedulers. That reminds me - I need to find out the name of the docs she works for so I never go there. Okay, I guess you can tell - in the stages of grief and loss, I'm hitting a bit of an angry patch. As we know, anger is not a primary emotion, so there's probably some hurt undergirding it. I've got to just plow through this, feel the feelings, process and move on. I will get through this. And maybe after I do, I will go have a seafood buffet (or should I say "see-food" buffet) at the Muckleshoot casino, or somewhere like that, and then go to a nice nightclub and have a pretty, girly drink and dance with my hubby.
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